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, that is a cheese steak, why would you mut avocado on a cheese stake. what did they vote, a tax exempt stat to us weirdoes on the bourd walk with snakes on a shoulder, cupcakes must have at least 3% kale. >> dmal call voters agreed to pay more in sales tax and more in income tax for high earners to help close what governor jerry brown calls a $34 billion state budget cap. >> oh. california actually deciding to start trying to pay for some of the [bleep] they want to do. my baby's growing up. (laughter) any other referendum. >> 53% of california voters rejected a referendum that would have abolished the death penalty. >> what's up, california. paying your bills, thinning the herd. you are your turning into your dad! next thing you know everybody is going to have to wear a condom in california. >> this los angeles voters decided it that male porn stars must wear condoms during filming. (laughter) so in los angeles you guys focus group everything? are all porn decisions community-based. should the music in porn have so much bass. are we doing too many scenes out by the pool, yes or no. how many guys
will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause] nate silver, the president of statistician-stan. as you know, last night the presidential cam pan headed to hofstra university where the candidates debated from a diverse crowd hard of long islanders ranging from italian guys to other italian guys to a jewish guy and his mom. [laughter] such diversity in long island. the first question somehow ended up on the auto industry rescue. >> i know you keep saying, you want to take detroit bankrupt. well, the president took detroit bankrupt. you took general motors bankrupt. you took chrysler bankrupt. that was pre-sizely what i recommended and ultimately what happened. >> jon: okay. in fact, obama's publicly financed detroit auto industry managed bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite
, everybody. [applause]. >> ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. >> thank you for joining us. i'm in the tv biz where it's all about the demographics. the demo we call it. i work hard to appeal to the millenials, for example, by calling them millenials. young people love to be target marketed by their birthdate and marketing power. >> you know "gangnam style." no idea what that means but they eat it up. that's right. that's why i stay up on all of the hottest millennial trends. right now there is nothing that 18 to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for people like you. fun, busy. youngish. i think this marketing campaign is greatish. these hey these c
. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. ambassador to united nations susan rice. >> i will do everything in my power to black her from being the united states secretary of state. she's not qualified. >> jon: that's senator john mccain continuing his seven year quest to negate every good thing he'd ever done prior to that. (laughter) this time leading the charge to preempt as an of now hypothetical obama nomination for secretary of state to replace hillary clinton. why? because five days after the benghazi attacks, susan rice went
and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, where it's all about the demo graphics -- the demo, we call it. so i work hard to appeal to the millennials. for example, by calling them millennials. ( laughter ) young people love being target marketed by their births date and purchasing power, you know, gangnam style. ( cheers and applause ) no idea what that means, but they eat it up! that's why-- that's why i stay up on all the hottest millennial trends. and right now, there is nothing 18- to 34-year-old upper middle-income kids love more than soup, playah! you need proof? well, let me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing-- the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. and this generation will go down in history for demanding different soup. ( laughter ) ( applause ) according-- according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of sumes designed for pe
">÷>cvbv:púpcq that's our show. join us tomorrow night live election coverage at 11:00 here and my final message before that would be, please vote. i know there are people here in the tri-state region that are struggling with the basic necessities. they're going to work their asses off to try and get to the polls. you should too. here it is your moment of zen >> don't boo. vote. ( cheers and applause ) vote. voting is the best revenge >> revenge is a dish best servedded cold, they say. i think he's going to have a captioning sp (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, steph captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and
about this? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell nbc news that emails between him and paula broadwell, his biography were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: really? email? all they had to do to nab america's spy-master general is log to his email? we can intrigue that little sound bite up a little bit? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell abc news that emails between him and paula broadwell his biographer were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: how exciting. wait. ( cheers and applause ) the woman involved is petraeus' biographer paula broadwell. why does that name seem so familiar to me? please welcome to the program paula broadwell. no, no, that's not it. oh, wait. that is it. by the way, in case anyone out there thought i may have actual journalist instincts, i give you a quick snippet of my interview. >> he's a very high-energy person. he loves serving. he loves to be in the arena >> i thought i would test him but he would test me. >> crushed his pelvis. it was back in the swimming pool. from a mentoring point of view want
for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that does not have body glitter on it? (laughter) i was admittedly a little down last night, from being here this whole week, a little disspirited. and then-- no, no-- and then it happened. yes! amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome! (laughter) emerged in the night
(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. neil young will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> well, i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't stick a straw in a twinge key an captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! change so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >
>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indi
stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and eye watch. let me show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> stephen: so if you live in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> st
jason sudeikis is going to be joining us later. it was just one week ago tonight that barack obama won reelection to the presidency ending a heated political campaign and hopefully setting the stage for the healing that this country so desperately needs. >> the white house has received online petitions from not so proud americans in 20 states who would like to secede from the union. (laughter) wait! i'm not sure exactly which 20 states those are or which people in those 20 state bus i think i can best express how i feel about these states and people in the word of the great william wonka. >> (flatly) stop, don't, come back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in t
things would be different!ld be d that son of a bitch lied to us!ied to i knew i should have voted for mccain! have ragh! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applause ) it was very, very moving. it's enough to make you not that annoyed by marathon runners. not quite. obviously all donations still greatly appreciated. the sandy relief fund dot-org. your i-tunes dot-com slash red cross. you have your united way n
did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. but i didn't. so what have we learned, from this great wristband theft? maybe... that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. and causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. let's keep our causes where they belong, which is right here. on t-shirts! free pussy riot! [cheers and applause] - free pussy riot! boys: yeah! - yay! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applau
they go into the polls >> ulna... honor. leadership. nachos. yeah, what word are we going to use? >> nachos how often? all the time so describe the school using a nacho metaphor >> nachos, the school is like nacho cheese. more nourishing and you can't get enough of it. >> reporter: as the pearlman campaign seized the momentum jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give zablo campaign a boost >> i need a big-time actor, any super hero would be great. oh, really? would he do it >> reporter: but time was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates, it was game time. ♪ >> it is with great pleasure that i introduce kyle pearlman and lauren zablo. >> my name is lauren zablo and i am running to be your student council president. i've been in student council since sixth grade so i will make every effort snts >> reporter: while lauren went with substance, the pearlman took a different approach >> hello, my fellow americans. i can see i'm the only one wearing played today >> i'm sorry to see that i'm the only one wearing a flag pin today. this electio
gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's who you want me to accept? zane tankel? no. no. (applause) zane tankel does not run an applebee's. zane tankel is an intergalactic bounty hunter who gets in fight with buck rogers. (laughter) i'm sorry, resume your interview with zane tankel. >> we won't build more restaurants. we won't hire more people. >> you run an applebee's. (laughter) here's a cost-cutting idea. don't serve your double-barrel whiskey fried creamy steak and chimichanga sliders in troughs. (laughter) not only should you provide your employees health care, you should be personally apologizing to our nation's physicians. (laughter) anybody else got a problem with it? >> papa john's c.e.o. says the company may have to reduce worker hours to save money on health care. >> jon: no, not a papa john's! (laughter) anybody but a papa john's! i'd wrather the paparazzi or the pa p.a. pa smear. (laughter) what's his problem? >> the c.e.o. says obamacare will cost
. it's a remarkable lesson for all of us. that is all for our show tonight. join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. i might even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert on: we'll see you next time. >> i lo
, gab be gab be heys. joining us now are senior women's issues correspondent kristen schaal. kristen, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) so here's what we're hearing now. single women, what they're saying is, vote democratic because they don't care about the future of america and only think about abortion. your thoughts on this? >> well, i was totally offended until a certain recent life event changed my priorities. (laughter) >> jon: oh, right, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. you got married this summer. congratulations. i heard you got married. (cheers and applause) that's nice. i heard it was great. i heard it was -- i heard it was a great wedding. i wasn't invited. >> no. (laughter). >> jon: um -- but you seem like the same person. >> (laughs) how dare you, jon? as soon as a groom, my groom, carried me across the threshold i felt something new exploding inside me. (laughter) and you know what that was? (laughter). >> jon: no, i don't, i'm not gonna -- >> it was concern for america's future. but single women vote with their vaginas, jon! and they only care about one iss
congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making
. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate modera
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! thank you for joining us! choo, choo, choo! hello! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you are the greatest! thank you very much. i got to tell you, when i get that kind of 4r06 from you folks i just want to go up into the stands and cradle you in my arms like a baby. (cheers and applause) folks you know me, you know my broadcasting ca roar has been dedicated to celebrating american exceptionalism. that special je ne sai quoi that americans have that keep us from knowing things like what je ne sais quoi means, i don't know. but for some time now americans have been in decline. and i have been searching for the exact moment when we went from being the u.s. of a to the u.s. of eh. well, folks, i think i found it, fasten your seat belts. and incidentally, if are you wearing seat belts to watch tv, you're part of the problem. >> it sounds preposterous but the united states has to factor into the cold ware to p
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 158 (some duplicates have been removed)

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